mental illness

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Not Giving Up!

Published September 9, 2014 by Whimsical Fancy & Musings

I gave up on writing for a long time because sometimes I can’t remember verb tenses and punctuation. Also, some days my hands feel like the joints are morphing into marbles. You might wonder why this is so frustrating. Well, I’ve got an associates’ degree in Journalism (I was a stellar journalism student) and writing was and still is my first love.

A few months ago, I found out that I have nine white lesions on the front of my brain. The neurologist said it might be MS, then he determined that it wasn’t MS. Then he said the lesions are consistent with Rheumatoid Arthritis, but my rheumatologist said RA doesn’t affect your brain that way. Some day they well let me know why my brain doesn’t work right anymore, but I’m not holding my breath.

I thought I was going crazy because I was seeing distortions in my vision. The Drusen (sharp crystals) in the nerve cables of my eyes have decided to start stealing my eyesight. I have 56% of the nerve in my left eye, and a whopping 68% in the right eye. There is no treatment to stop it or make it go away.

I am in the middle of a flare of both fibromyalgia and RA. I hate the pain, fighting with the doctors, applying for disability,  and this week, the never-ending tears that have my eyes so swollen I am starting to resemble a walrus. Today, I am going to count my blessings, take a shower, and keep moving forward.

My son came home from the war a bit broken but after a year, he’s starting to laugh and smile again. My husband loves me in spite of my mood swings and almost constant tears. I have one friend who never forgets about me, and our friendship means the world to me. I have a goofy feline companion who stay beside me and head butts me when she thinks I need to quit feeling sorry for myself. I have a roof over my head, and I am still breathing. Time to take a shower because you know what? I am not giving up.